I made the phone call yesterday to set up an appointment to talk to my doctor about if anti-depressants might be helpful.
Then I texted my husband and closest friends so that I would have someone that could hold me accountable when I tried to back out of the appointment.
This morning I’m wishing I would have made the appointment sooner, but I’m relived that It’s only a day away.
I need to be really honest about this and I don’t know where to start. So I will start where I am.
This morning I spent a good portion of my mental energy fighting off the overwhelming urge to crawl back under the covers and beg for death to come take me because facing and accepting the reality of death seems easier than living and working for a glimmer of hope and happiness that from this distance seems both ephemeral and intangible.
I went to work almost 45 minutes early because I knew if I stayed in my house one moment longer, I would call out of work and crawl back into bed and I couldn’t be certain of what would happen next.
I have never been more terrified of myself in my life. So I rushed to get to work as a matter of what feels like survival. Reminding myself that it’s my brain that’s behaving badly and these aren’t true indicators of how I really feel or who I am and that I have already made the first step towards finding my way out of this desperation.
Lately, I have more than a few days where I think “Everything is hopeless, I need to start planning my escape route.”
My mind starts going over various apocalyptic scenarios and how long I would be willing to survive and how I would kill myself when the tipping point of hopelessness came. Then I realize a lot of those possible apocalyptic scenarios could be applied to my current every day life. This realization, coupled with the last few months of writing about my issues and cleaning out my emotional closet was what finally made me decide to make the call.
When all you see is darkness, even a pinpoint of light can be excruciatingly bright, but if we turn towards that light instead of away, our eyes will eventually adjust.
This is where I am right now. I can no longer allow darkness to consume me.